Tag Archives: first dates

Living with Strong & Competing Emotions

On Saturday, a few hours before my first date with Renee, I got a message from my ex Anne. I hadn’t heard from her since we broke up in August. She was apologetic for how things ended, and basically said she thinks of me a lot and hopes things are good with me. Talk about punch to the gut. Sure, I think about her, too, but if someone gets so stressed out that they break up over toast, then I can’t really have that person be around.

And yet, I do miss her, miss what we had.

So I mustered up my energy to head down to Renee’s house for some home cooked pepperoni pizza, which I felt was very sweet. We were hanging out with her 8 month old son, and I felt very comfortable with her from the get-go. But not overwhelming passion like I felt with Anne, so in my mind I was conflicted, because this felt like that friendship piece I want, where I could simply hang out and be myself and could see myself wanting to progress sexually.

While sitting at her kitchen table, though, I kept having these overwhelming thoughts. I kept imagining Keith having sex with her, in her house, where I was, just five days earlier. Like in some dissociated state, I had these weird feelings of being totally present and also stepping outside and analyzing, thinking ‘what did he see in her that he would cheat?’ We all decided we wanted to move forward with pursuing one another, despite the hurt, but there was this part of me that was having a really hard time with it, the imagination piece was the worst. So I texted Keith, and said, “I don’t think I can do this, I’m so hurt by what you did,’ and after that I was actually more present and enjoyed myself.

So there’s the conflicting emotions. My experience clouded by the fact that I was sitting with the only other woman who has had sex with Keith. The hurt that the rules and boundaries we had created weren’t lived up to. The whole ‘what does he see in her that he didn’t see in me?’ irrational thoughts. The difference between intellectually being open and emotionally being open.

It ended up being a lovely evening, with no physical exchanges since her son stayed bright eyed and bushy tailed all evening, and I was getting a scratchy throat that turned into a full blown fever by the time I got home. It’s weird being in this place where I’m living with all of these conflicting emotions that bring up strong emotions and fears and insecurities. With Renee it was so easy until it wasn’t, which is part of the reason I enjoyed dating separate from my husband, though I think I would like to know the person/people is having sex with.

Maybe over time I’ll get used to it, but right now I still feel raw. And yet, I want to proceed, is that crazy?

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My Solo Ladydate

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Pre-date: nervously stuffing tortilla chips into my face while simultaneously trying to get my wavy/curly hair to stop doing that thing that makes me look unkempt/unshowered/homeless-or-on-drugs and texting with Keith about how nervous I was for the night. His advice: it’s like dinner with Mari (my platonic bff), and don’t worry about ‘the kiss’ until after dinner.

That was good advice.

Though hard, when you’re sitting across from such a pretty lady.

Dinner: we were both early. I figured that would happen, since we’ve talked about how how we worry about being late places. She stood out front of the restaurant, and we hugged and went in, and waited for our table, and caught up and it was so…

easy.

I mean, seriously easy. The conversation flowed, and flowed. She asked questions. I asked questions. We started conversations and then got sidetracked down rabbit trails and have yet to answer some of those questions fully, but I don’t feel that panicky shit-I-should-have-said-that-in-order-to-convince-her-to-like-me-more feeling. It was relaxed. Comfortable. Like we’ve known each other 100 years.

After dinner: we took a walk along the marina in the sunset. We wanted to hold hands but didn’t. Were we nervous? I think so. I wanted to kiss her all night. And as we sat on the bench looking out over the water, people watching, and talking about life. She said she wanted to kiss me on the bench while we were sitting there, but she felt shy. And I felt shy. And then it got cold, and we walked back to our cars, and then I kissed her.

Before I kissed her, I said “i’m feeling like an awkward 15 year old boy, and I want to kiss you,” and she was so short and soft and smelled so nice. It was so different than kissing Keith, and different than all the drunk makeouts from my younger years.

And then we talked some more.

And kissed some more.

And a little more talking.

And kissing.

And finally it was too late, and she had to go home, so I put her in her car and we both headed our separate ways.

I have so many more thoughts about how the whole date, but today I’m just feeling quietly happy.

 

How I’m Planning to Spend the Night of My Husband’s First Date

Tomorrow Keith ventures out on his first official date with the lovely Jen. Sure he’s hung out with her in person before, but while they were tentatively re-establishing a friendship and before she felt that the open marriage ‘situation’ was totally legit. And so tomorrow’s the day, where they meet up for some beers at the pub before the soccer match and then head on out to the stadium. I have no idea what to expect as far as what might happen at the game, and think he’s being cautious since we’ve had season tickets for several years, knowing all the people who sit around us, as well as knowing his sister’s in attendance at the game, too. In my mind they’ll appear like platonic friends (which he often brings to the game instead of me) and that the making out, or physicality will happen in the privacy of alleys or bathroom stalls or the backseat of his car…

At any rate, I haven’t given much thought to the imaginings of what will go on, knowing he’ll give me the update when he’s home. I’m excited for him, and am having  hard time explaining that feeling to friends who know of our situation, and a hard time not telling those who don’t. But at risk of sitting at home and suddenly freaking out I thought that it’d be good to spend some time with a friend. So I’ve scheduled a mama/son and friend happy hour date at the local family friendly brewery. I figure that doing something fun and social with a good friend will help me if I have any of the poor me I am stuck at boring home being a mommy while he gets to have fun feelings come up. Because those feelings surface when I get into that parenting-is-fucking-hard and we have to go tit-for-tat in time away. I don’t think it’ll be a concern about him necking another woman, more that he’s not here parenting when my kid refuses anything but chocolate chips or wants to watch 53 episodes of Curious George 🙂

It feels like tomorrow is the crossing of a threshold, entering a way of being in our openness experiment, and I’m really excited that he’s we’re getting go through that door, together, even if we are actually apart.